WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHAPSTICK?

This is a question that haunts many of us. And we all have to ask ourselves at one point in our lives. WHERE? THE HELL? IS IT!?

The answer, my dear readers, is simple.

Mankind, at one point early on, discovered that their lips were quite flawed. Due to various environmental factors, the human lips dry up and get all crackly, and peely, and uncomfortable. An example of this can be noted in reference to the pop culture icon, Napoleon Dynamite, when he proclaims eloquently, "But my lips hurt real bad!"

Well this early culture's lips also hurt real bad, and they blamed the sun. This was a conflict of interest because the sun also happened to be personified as THE God of Gods. The wise shaman of the land created a soothing lip balm that would temporarily moisten and sooth the lips of all who suffered the wrath of the sun, or the wind, or any other element that seemed to dry out lips. It was, in essense, the first anti-God, if you will.

Well, as it turns out, the Sun IS the God of Gods, and he gets PISSED OFF when you use chapstick, so when the sun sets and then turns into the tooth fairy for his night job, he uses his same tooth fairy powers that he uses to break-and-enter into your home for the "Pocket Change for Old Rotten Teeth" program enstated by the Theodore Rosevelt administration to boost the economy (which inspired the "Cash For Clunkers" program enstated by the Obama administration in 2009), and he takes your chapstick, and locks it in the firy depths of Hell.

What a freaking crybaby. Anyway, those are the facts. The answer to "WHERE THE HELL IS MY CHAPSTICK," is, in Hell. FOR ETERNITY. Just go buy yourself another chapstick cause you know you are not EVER going to find...

Oh wait, I just found it under my jacket. Yeah, maybe just check under stuff. Or in your other pants pockets.